Letters to "Jim"

For some time I have been carrying on correspondence with inmates who wanted AA members to write them. Although most of the letter have been pretty general, I now am working the Steps with one of them. Although I would never publish their letters or give out any information about them, I do think it would be good to post them on this blog.

I will use the name "Jim" to hide his identity. Here's today's letter.

Dear "Jim",

First let me apologize for addressing my last letter to you “Dear John.” Nobody likes to get a “Dear John” letter, especially if your name is "Jim." I correspond with another inmate and sometimes cut and paste parts of the letter so I don’t have to re-type everything. I certainly intended it for you.

I’m glad to hear that you want to work the Steps with me. It’s good that you are already working on your resentment list and we’ll certainly be doing that soon. However, rather than go over the first three Steps, I thought we could discuss the “ABC.” part of the Fifth chapter and review the Third Step.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

If you have done some Step work already, it’s pretty certain that you have done the ABCs by now. I assume you have a Big Book so I won’t cut and paste it into the letters. If you don’t, then I will do that.

Notice on page 60 that Bill says “Most people try to live by self-propulsion.” He doesn’t single out alcoholics or addicts, he says “most people.” He’s saying that self-centeredness is a human problem and not unique to us. But then on page 62 he makes this point:

[T]the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!

So even though normal people also struggle with problems of self-centeredness, they still survive. We don’t. Self-centeredness kills us. It is a fatal problem for alcoholics.

Before working the Steps, I defined happiness as getting my own way. If only everyone would play their part we would all be happy (or so I thought). In other words, if I was happy then everyone would be happy. What arrogance! In reality, many other people were under this same delusion. They assumed that if they were happy then I would be too. But that might mean I would not get my way, so I would not be happy and there you have it: wills in collision. What were we to do about that?

The Third Step does not mean that I should back down and always do the will of other people. After all, they’re motivated by selfishness as well and it isn’t in anyone’s best interests to let that happen. But even though we don’t surrender to another person’s will, we also cannot surrender to our own. My story and yours reflect just what a disaster that decision created.

So what’s left? How can I reduce my self-centeredness? Bill says that only God can do that. If we do the will of God, then we are not doing our will nor are we doing some other human’s will. It’s the only way out. For me this seemed impossible. I barely even believed in God and I certainly did not know how I was supposed to figure out what His will was. I desperately needed to do something but I did not have the tools to do it. And here’s where the AA program comes to the rescue. 

We have spent a lifetime either doing things according to our will or, sometimes, letting other people run over us. It’s time we took a look that that. We’re going to makes a list of the people, institutions and principles that we found ourselves in collision with.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. (page 64)

So the way we know we took the Third Step is that we begin the Fourth. And here is where Bill gives us an amazing way to approach it. We list the people, institutions and principles we resent. I was taught not to get ahead of myself. Just do the first column of the list and don’t think about the rest. The brilliant thing about this is we have been carrying this list around in our heads for years!  It’s just a matter of writing it down. Everyone coming into AA has that list memorized, but they have probably never see it on paper.

So this is what I want you to do: make a list of all your resentments. People (we know what they are), institutions (the courts, the police, the church, places we worked, politicians for example) and the hardest one, principles. I listed “authority” and that pretty much summed it up for me. You may have another idea and if so I will learn something from you.

I want you to make this list and mail it to me. I know that you are in the system and it would not be a good idea to list staff or other inmates. Your mail can be read and there’s no value in stirring up hard feelings in your situation. Let’s just assume that those people are on that list and let it go at that. Focus on your life outside.

I’ll be very interested in what you come up with. I’ll probably reply with some of my own list which is the right thing for a sponsor to do. (I don’t mean that you chose me as your sponsor, but for this purpose I am going to take on that role.) Take your time, don’t rush. You have a lot of time and we’re not in a race. Thoroughness counts, not speed. Just remember to stay in the first column. That little bit of discipline will pay off. You’ll see.

That’s all I have for now. I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you run into any snags just write to me. You don’t have to have the complete list in your next letter.

Your friend,