The Step Four Chart and That "evil and corroding thread"

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 67

Maybe this should be split into more than one post. But I think the point is better made if I can maintain some continuity, so here goes.

On page 65 of the Big Book, we find that familiar chart we use to begin our Fourth Step inventory. It looks like this:

I was taught that the most effective way to approach this was systematically, one column at a time. So first we list the people, institutions or principles that we resent. This should not be difficult since most of us came into the program with a lengthy "sh*t list." All we need to do to get started is take that mental list and put it on paper. Column one only. Don't get into column two yet. Once we are certain that column one is complete we move to column two, listing the harms these people had done us. Again, not difficult since we're pretty aware of why these folks are on the list.

After a period of reflection, we now begin to ask ourselves what it was in us that was threatened. Bill uses the 3S list: sex, security, society. Our sexual lives, our emotional and financial security, or our self-esteem and acceptance by others. It's only an aid. You can modify it to suit yourself.

This is the actual start of the inventory process because we are now looking into the "causes and conditions" in ourselves that informed our behavior and attitudes. The step refers to "a searching and fearless moral inventory..." We're taking a hard look at ourselves, but not a negative look. For people like me, I already had a very complete list of the positive qualities of my personality. Others come in with a unrealistically negative view of themselves. Neither is accurate and actually reflect  deep-seated self-centeredness since it is an image of ourselves which we have carefully guarded from objective scrutiny by others. We face facts, admitting where we have been wrong, but with the awareness that nobody is perfect: neither perfectly right nor perfectly wrong. (I love it when people say "I'm only human." I like to ask, 'Is that "Mother Theresa" human or "Jeffrey Dahmer" human?")

The book now makes reference to the fact that every one of these resentments can be traced back to fear of some kind, fear of losing something we have or not getting something we want. In other words, the "stale anger" was once "present anger" triggered by fear. Or to put it more succinctly, our unconscious response to the feeling of fear was to become angry at the person(s) who threatened us. And since the threat never simply went away on its own, the anger hardened and became resentment.

And so we come to an inescapable conclusion. Anger is no more than one particular response to fear. When we get to AA, it's usually the only one we know and it seems quite impossible to us that there could be any other way to react. But we will learn, as we continue to work the Steps, that it's possible to "outgrow" fear, that is, to react to it in a way that reflects spiritual maturity and serenity.

This leads me back to my discussion of time and how fear also affects our future. Next post.