Vocation

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their time to the work. 

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 19

In my experience, one of the chief symptoms of early sobriety is a desire to become an alcoholism counselor. As the scales fell from our eyes, it all seemed so obvious. Forgetting our own stubborn denial and resistance, we now thought we had to power to solve everyone else's problems. Of course this is just a subtler form of "trying to run the whole show" without taking even a cursory look at ourselves. I certainly wasn't immune to this and have the apprentice counselor credential dated 1982 to prove it.

As Bill put it in his Guest House talk:

And this is the penance, and I think you theologues give us some excuse for it too, of beginning to think that, because we have these tremendous illuminations, that WE are something special. So, you begin to develop a kind of a paranoia alongside of a perfectly valid experience. And this is just what happened to me. I damned near botched up the whole works by coming out of this working furiously with drunks and, before anybody had been sobered up, I got so far off base as to loudly declare on time to an audience by no means spellbound that I was going to sober up all the god damned drunks in the world! Now THAT is pure paranoia if you ever...

 The true vocation of the recovered alcoholic is in living out the reality of our spiritual awakening through the tedious, difficult and humbling demonstration of these principles.

“Knowledge about life is one thing; effective occupation of a place in life, with its dynamic currents passing through your being, is another.”
― William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience   

In my own experience, it was supremely difficult not to feel as though I had been singled out by God for some greater mission than simple recovery. To me, my "vocation" (literally a "calling") was such a personal and inward experience that it would be hard to feel otherwise. Of course, having a huge ego that had yet to undergo deflation of any kind made this sensation inevitable. But eventually I was given a clearer vision: I had been granted a glorious glimpse from the mountaintop only to be deposited back on earth and told I had to walk back to the top. We call it "trudging the road of happy destiny." Happiness is not merely our destination. Trudging is where we find the purpose in which our real happiness lies.

But we are all called, we all have a vocation. As my old friend Danny O. used to say, "There's a wrench for every nut that walks through the doors of AA." And it could be true that the purpose of our entire recovery was to be someone's wrench. It's not inconceivable that God would use our sobriety to help one person, and probably never know that we did. The one who plants a seed is not always the one who reaps the harvest. So this business of vocation is first and foremost one of humble acknowledgement that we are not the one doing the calling, nor are we the ones likely to see the fruits of our labor.

  

Making the Approach

Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve. Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.

But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.

That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured - these are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again.

- Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 18-19

I'm not so sure about the "no lectures to be endured" part. I've done more than my share of lecturing.

But the fact remains that it is the undeniable authenticity of our experience that wins the confidence of those whom we approach. This cannot be easily faked. Then, over time, the newcomer gradually becomes aware that we're not out to get something. That was what impressed me the most about my first meetings. These were people who seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. I waited in vain for their hidden agenda to emerge but it never did.

One of the things that Bill always mentioned when he spoke of his first interactions with Ebby was one of Ebby's subsequent visits to him in Towns Hospital.

So, I think it was the morning of the third or the fourth day that my friend Ebby showed up in the doorway, and my feeling was ambivalent at once. So I said, "Well, this is the time he's going to pour on the evangelism." And on the other hand I was saying, "Well, he should be looking for a job. Why is he up here at eleven o'clock in the morning to see me? He does practice what he preaches."
 - Bill W. at Guest House

 It's not surprising that it was after this very visit that Bill had his spiritual experience. He did truly "take up his bed and walk again."



 

Those, too

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

My sobriety depends absolutely on my capacity to be honest. So I about to make an admission which should help ensure my sobriety.

Since 2010, I have been abusing Fiorcet sporadically. I have hidden it from everyone and have been living a lie ever since. I am at at once ashamed and relieved. If any of you think less of me, I understand fully. I'm not sure I could respect a hypocrite, especially one who basks in adulation as a "guru."

There is a passage in Job 4:3 which is apropos:

³ Think how you have instructed many,

    how you have strengthened feeble hands.
⁴ Your words have supported those who stumbled;
    you have strengthened faltering knees.
⁵ But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged;
    it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

Bear in mind that these are Job's "comforters," men who have no grasp of God's intention.To say to me, "but think of all the people you have helped" may be comforting to me but the "trouble" Job endured was not of his own making. Mine was.

Nevertheless, I am going continue the blog, only now as a commentary as I re-work the steps with a sponsor.

I started writing this back on Monday, September 9, but couldn't decide whether or not to go ahead in spite of having stumbled. I guess I'll go ahead.

I'll post the next entry tonight.

God Bless.

AA Nugget

Most of the really stupid things a I have done in my life started with the words "I thought..."

Warped lives, fierce resentmant

An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while [sic] in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list. 

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.18

In those days, the Fellowship was very leery of using the term "disease." There are a number of euphemisms employed (illness, malady, sickness, etc.) but it is used only one time in the first 164 pages. (page 64) I'm not sure about their trepidation, but I suspect that society at large would find it just another excuse for alkies to absolve themselves of any moral culpability.

That it differed in a substantial way is the rationale for this paragraph. Cancer is used as the epitome of a physical ailment quite beyond the moral control of the victim.  But alcoholism (as a "disease"") seems to be of a totally different genre. It is undoubtedly in the class in the class of mental illness.Yet, to the outside world, it was in to way involuntary. Schizophrenia and other psychoses are illnesses over which the sufferer has no control. But the consensus was that alcoholism was a matter of mind over body, a matter of will power.

And there was no sense in which the alcoholic could not fail to engulf (great word) the lives of those around him. The alcoholic engulfed everyone who touched his life Of all the effects listed, "fierce resentment" tops the list because it is the final result of all the other things iterated. Anyone guilty of these misdeeds knows that the bottled up anger of those we loved was the most heartbreaking of all, and it was the one thing for which we could never make right. I would only add to that the "warped lives of blameless children" since resentment was something that children would only learn later.

God, what a cheerful passage!. But aren't we all aware of it? Doesn't it lurk in the back of out minds? When we glibly say that we "had to make amends to ourselves first," aren't we aware of just how much havoc we caused in the lives of those we touched? Is there any guilt stalking us?

A Tremendous Fact

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 17

That we have a "common solution" means that we cannot be all things to all people. To say that "my name is [name] and I'm an addict/alcoholic or alcoholic/addict) does not imply a "common" solution. But hat doesn't mean we should kick someone out who says that; only that we should not say it ourselves. Can we join in brotherly and harmonious action? Certainly. But we do so with those who have a desire to stop drinking.

We can absolutely agree on our course of action. It is the Twelve Steps of AA, and anyone willing to follow them with rigor is welcome to join us. In fact, I have a friend who is not an alcoholic, but she has a desire to stop drinking, has a sponsor and works the steps. She has a way out on which she is willing to join with us. This is the good news that this book carries. To borrow from Christianity, it as a kind of gospel. It is the "GOOD NEWS' that sets captives free.

This is probably the best description of all that follows. It is tremendous, it is a fact, and it carries great news.Can any paragraph carry more than that?

Also notice that Bill uses the term '"discovered" and not "devised."  We have uncovered a hidden source of strength that we didn't even know existed. The spiritual realm lies hidden to those who lack
 the humility to see it . But in the program, we develop he right thinking towards that realm that begins opening it to us. AA is a great fact indeed.

Not sure what I am doing.

All,

Some of you have been having problems posting comments.

You must be on the post directly. You will know that because there will be a big white box for your comments. Comment there. 

Then, in order to post, you must be subscribed to the blog. (The technical term is RSS feed.)

At the bottom of the page, there is a link to subscribe to this blog. Click on that. That will direct you to a page to set up your subscription. (Check the box for "Always" and you won't have to do it again.)

 Call me or Charlotte if you are still unsure. (I won't post my phone number or email address for obvious reasons.)

Steve

AA nugget

The grace of God is not only a light that shines from above, it is also a river that courses through us.

     -Steve C.

So Sue Me

The logical place to continue this blog would be at "Bills' Story,'  but I have nothing to say at this point. More to come later. So I will jump into the text starting with "There is a Solution."

We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands* of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.

*At the time this was written, the word "thousands" may have been a bit of hyperbole, as was the term "women," but there were certainly several hundred. 

That they were as hopeless as Bill seems obvious, but the sentence that jumps out at me is that  "{[T]hey have solved the drink problem." Notice that the phrase "have recovered" is equated with "have solved." So for those who debate (ad nauseum) about whether or not we have "recovered," it should be apparent that solving the problem (the "obsession of the mind") is tantamount to having recovered. Enough said.

We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. We are people who normally would not mix.

It was important to note that at that time alcoholics were not equated with "average" Americans. There was a general consensus that alcoholics were not average, that they were a breed apart, not fit for contact with the population at large.This was an uphill battle that was fought for quite a long time (perhaps not until the treatment industry needed insurance money. Pardon the cynicism).

It is common around the program to infer that we were people who would normally not mix with each other, but I think in the context of the paragraph it means we were people who would not mix with "average Americans."

But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain's table. Unlike the feelings of the ship's passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. 

This harkens back to the comments I made in "The Doctor's Opinion, but it deserves to be reiterated that Bill describes it a as "indescribably wonderful." We are bound together with a powerful cement that arises out of out of our joy of having escaped a common peril. And it persists precisely because we are privileged to continue seeing that rescue time and again.

(A brief housekeeping note: if you want to post comments, click on the pencil at the bottom.)

A Spectacle of Release (fixed the spelling)

There's a lot to be said regarding the nature of the spiritual experience, but for now I just want to focus on Dr. Silkworth's perception, that of an outside observer of men who experienced this dramatic change.

On page xxxi, he relates a couple of cases in which men who were beyond human aid were dramatically transformed after undergoing this psychic change. The important point is that there was something remarkably different about these men, something that could be observed directly.

We've all experienced it. The hopeless newcomer who keeps trudging back to meetings, drinking sporadically, never seeming to "get it." And then, one day, there is this noticeable transformation. We've all seen it and we all recognize it. But what exactly is it that we see, that Dr. Silkworth saw?

In Bill's talk at Guest House, he makes this observation:

And this was the awful dilemma into which I was cast by my friend Ebby, bringing, on the one side, all of this bad news, but on the other side, the spectacle of his own release, and that was the word to use. He didn't say he was on the water-wagon; the obsession had just left him as soon as he became willing to try on the basis of these principles, and, indeed, as he became willing to appeal to whatever God there might be. And this was reducing the theological requirements an awful lot.

Well, I went on drinking about three weeks, and in no waking hour could I forget the face of my friend, a spectacle of release as I looked out through a haze of gin into his face, as he pitched this "synthesis" at me.

Bill saw in Ebby an inescapable "spectacle of release."  And at no time could he get it out of his head. The "attraction" of AA is in the faces of those who have been released. Bill likens it to the joy of the survivors of a shipwreck.He observes later in the book "that cheerfulness and laughter makes for usefulness," and that newcomers would not be attracted if they saw no joy in our lives.

So I guess I can sum it up like this: that "something" we see when someone undergoes that psychic change is nothing more nor less than the face of a prisoner released from bondage. My first impression of AA was that these people smoked a lot, drank a lot of coffee, and were just too damned happy. And that was what I couldn't get out of my head.

The real lesson and challenge for us who have been at this thing for a while is to remember that we're being watched. We're being watched by people who want a way out but aren't sure they want our way. So smile, laugh and spread that joy around. When I hear a room full of AAs laughing, I think I hear a hint of God's laughter as He welcomes his lost children home.     

Everyone's got an opinion

I started to write a commentary on The Doctor's Opinion and soon discovered that I am lousy at writing commentary. It was easy for me risk being a little pedantic as I sat in a room with lots of friends because I could always tell when I was over the line. The yawning was usually a good tip-off, as was the rolling of the eyes.

But trying to write this without the benefit of direct feedback turns out to be a bigger challenge than I expected. I was constantly re-reading what I had written and was trying to put myself in your (y'all's) heads. The same words that looked inspired on the one hand would seem glaringly pompous at the same time. I gave up.

So instead of trying to re-create something that was at the time spontaneous, I'll just try to write something spontaneously.  Keep it simple.

Dr. Silkworth wrote a paragraph that has held great meaning for me.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. 

           - Alcoholics Anonymous, page xxviii

I drank because I liked the effect "produced" by alcohol. That word is important because it says a great deal about how I approached that elusive thing called happiness. I was in no sense interested in an effect that was "achieved" through effort on my part. I just wanted to switch on the feeling whenever I wanted it, which was all the time. Before I took my first drink I didn't know you could do that. So I commenced to become a daily drinker because I could not for the life of me think of a situation where I did not want the switch on.

And so, for me, my alcoholic life seemed to be the only normal one. I knew I had a right to be happy, and alcohol "made" me happy. It pissed me off to be denied that opportunity: restless, irritable and discontented. And even when my drinking progressed to the point where I wanted to be happy without alcohol, I could not get past the fact that other people could drink and get away with it. And in that condition, which Joe and Charlie call "the hot stove" condition (if you sit on a hot stove long enough eventually you will do something), I inevitably succumbed and the same hideous cycle would begin again.

(By the way, the Joe and Charlie studies are freely available on line. I would recommend them to anyone who wants to read the black lines in he Big Book. They have no opinion on the things people read between the lines. I have attended several of their sessions and consider them my mentors.)

But, in spite of this gloomy diagnosis, he does introduce a glimmer of hope: "an entire psychic change." Right. No big deal. A complete displacement of one's beliefs and personality. How this occurred in Bill's case, and how I think it happened in mine, will be the subject of my next posting.

Bill W. at Guest House

Many years ago, I was given a copy of Bill W.'s talk at Guest House. (My Rochester friends know where that is.) I made a careful transcription of it and posted it on my now defunct website.

I was considering posting the entire thing on this blog, but located a site which is hosting it in its final form. You can locate it at http://www.silkworth.net/aahistory/billw2/guest.html
Please read it if you get a chance. I will probably refer to it at times during our discussions.

I'll be posting the first part of my discussion of The Doctor's Opinion shortly.

Some introductory bloviation

For several years, I had the privilege of leading a discussion of the AA Big Book and other literature at the Happy Hour Group in Troy, Michigan which met at 6:00 PM Fridays (hence the name).

Several people have prevailed upon me to write down the things we discussed, but up until now I have resisted that for a couple of reasons. The first is that I don't remember what I said. To try to re-create that would be futile. And the medium is not the same. Having a lively face-to-face discussion can't be replicated in this format.

The second is that I have always sought the spotlight and have to discipline myself not to seek adulation. This is not humility. I am quite proud of my ability to convey my message in an enjoyable and thoughtful way. So this undertaking is a fertile ground for my grandiosity and thus a spiritually risky endeavor.

HOWEVER

It was pointed out to me that what I have is a talent. The term refers to the parable of the talents, whose lesson is that when the master gives you something, he expects you to use it for his benefit. And to keep it hidden is an offense against the grace of God. (BTW, if you see something highlighted when you roll over it, it is a link to another page that relates to the subject). So in that spirit I offer to you that which God has graced me with.

SO, about the Big Book. As we discuss the basic text of AA, we should always be aware that it was a book written for a specific purpose at a certain time by men who were just beginning to grasp what was happening. If every one of its authors (and there about 50) were to show up at an AA meeting today, most of the people in the room would have considerably more sobriety than they did at the time. They wrote the book in response to the tremendous demands for information about how they got sober. And, when the Rockefellers turned down Bill W.'s request for money to pay for AA "missionaries" to spread the message, they came up with alternate plan, namely publishing a book.  The fellowship would derive its name from the book.

So to study it as if it where some inerrant text would be a bit laughable to its all-too-human authors. I've seen AA's squabbling with each other over the meaning of some lines or even a word. Lighten up. It's not the Bible.

And yet, as we read it more closely and discover the depths of its insights, we begin to wonder if there was a divine hand at work. How could such a hastily written group effort survive intact to this day and be revered by so many? It's my opinion that both are valid. I read the book in its historical context, but I also read it more deeply because people often reveal more of their inner selves when they write than they are aware of.

Oops. I guess that applies to me too. Hope I put on clean underwear this morning.

So I will discuss "The Doctor's Opinion" in my next posting.

In the meantime, please take the time to comment. One of the reasons I decided to do this was to keep the dialogue alive and without your feedback I'm just fartin' in the breeze.

And pass the link along to anyone you feel would benefit from it. As this blog gets a bigger following it will begin to approach what we had back then.

God bless.