Vocation

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their time to the work. 

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 19

In my experience, one of the chief symptoms of early sobriety is a desire to become an alcoholism counselor. As the scales fell from our eyes, it all seemed so obvious. Forgetting our own stubborn denial and resistance, we now thought we had to power to solve everyone else's problems. Of course this is just a subtler form of "trying to run the whole show" without taking even a cursory look at ourselves. I certainly wasn't immune to this and have the apprentice counselor credential dated 1982 to prove it.

As Bill put it in his Guest House talk:

And this is the penance, and I think you theologues give us some excuse for it too, of beginning to think that, because we have these tremendous illuminations, that WE are something special. So, you begin to develop a kind of a paranoia alongside of a perfectly valid experience. And this is just what happened to me. I damned near botched up the whole works by coming out of this working furiously with drunks and, before anybody had been sobered up, I got so far off base as to loudly declare on time to an audience by no means spellbound that I was going to sober up all the god damned drunks in the world! Now THAT is pure paranoia if you ever...

 The true vocation of the recovered alcoholic is in living out the reality of our spiritual awakening through the tedious, difficult and humbling demonstration of these principles.

“Knowledge about life is one thing; effective occupation of a place in life, with its dynamic currents passing through your being, is another.”
― William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience   

In my own experience, it was supremely difficult not to feel as though I had been singled out by God for some greater mission than simple recovery. To me, my "vocation" (literally a "calling") was such a personal and inward experience that it would be hard to feel otherwise. Of course, having a huge ego that had yet to undergo deflation of any kind made this sensation inevitable. But eventually I was given a clearer vision: I had been granted a glorious glimpse from the mountaintop only to be deposited back on earth and told I had to walk back to the top. We call it "trudging the road of happy destiny." Happiness is not merely our destination. Trudging is where we find the purpose in which our real happiness lies.

But we are all called, we all have a vocation. As my old friend Danny O. used to say, "There's a wrench for every nut that walks through the doors of AA." And it could be true that the purpose of our entire recovery was to be someone's wrench. It's not inconceivable that God would use our sobriety to help one person, and probably never know that we did. The one who plants a seed is not always the one who reaps the harvest. So this business of vocation is first and foremost one of humble acknowledgement that we are not the one doing the calling, nor are we the ones likely to see the fruits of our labor.

  

Making the Approach

Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve. Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.

But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.

That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured - these are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again.

- Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 18-19

I'm not so sure about the "no lectures to be endured" part. I've done more than my share of lecturing.

But the fact remains that it is the undeniable authenticity of our experience that wins the confidence of those whom we approach. This cannot be easily faked. Then, over time, the newcomer gradually becomes aware that we're not out to get something. That was what impressed me the most about my first meetings. These were people who seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being. I waited in vain for their hidden agenda to emerge but it never did.

One of the things that Bill always mentioned when he spoke of his first interactions with Ebby was one of Ebby's subsequent visits to him in Towns Hospital.

So, I think it was the morning of the third or the fourth day that my friend Ebby showed up in the doorway, and my feeling was ambivalent at once. So I said, "Well, this is the time he's going to pour on the evangelism." And on the other hand I was saying, "Well, he should be looking for a job. Why is he up here at eleven o'clock in the morning to see me? He does practice what he preaches."
 - Bill W. at Guest House

 It's not surprising that it was after this very visit that Bill had his spiritual experience. He did truly "take up his bed and walk again."



 

Those, too

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

My sobriety depends absolutely on my capacity to be honest. So I about to make an admission which should help ensure my sobriety.

Since 2010, I have been abusing Fiorcet sporadically. I have hidden it from everyone and have been living a lie ever since. I am at at once ashamed and relieved. If any of you think less of me, I understand fully. I'm not sure I could respect a hypocrite, especially one who basks in adulation as a "guru."

There is a passage in Job 4:3 which is apropos:

³ Think how you have instructed many,

    how you have strengthened feeble hands.
⁴ Your words have supported those who stumbled;
    you have strengthened faltering knees.
⁵ But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged;
    it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

Bear in mind that these are Job's "comforters," men who have no grasp of God's intention.To say to me, "but think of all the people you have helped" may be comforting to me but the "trouble" Job endured was not of his own making. Mine was.

Nevertheless, I am going continue the blog, only now as a commentary as I re-work the steps with a sponsor.

I started writing this back on Monday, September 9, but couldn't decide whether or not to go ahead in spite of having stumbled. I guess I'll go ahead.

I'll post the next entry tonight.

God Bless.

AA Nugget

Most of the really stupid things a I have done in my life started with the words "I thought..."

Warped lives, fierce resentmant

An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while [sic] in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list. 

- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.18

In those days, the Fellowship was very leery of using the term "disease." There are a number of euphemisms employed (illness, malady, sickness, etc.) but it is used only one time in the first 164 pages. (page 64) I'm not sure about their trepidation, but I suspect that society at large would find it just another excuse for alkies to absolve themselves of any moral culpability.

That it differed in a substantial way is the rationale for this paragraph. Cancer is used as the epitome of a physical ailment quite beyond the moral control of the victim.  But alcoholism (as a "disease"") seems to be of a totally different genre. It is undoubtedly in the class in the class of mental illness.Yet, to the outside world, it was in to way involuntary. Schizophrenia and other psychoses are illnesses over which the sufferer has no control. But the consensus was that alcoholism was a matter of mind over body, a matter of will power.

And there was no sense in which the alcoholic could not fail to engulf (great word) the lives of those around him. The alcoholic engulfed everyone who touched his life Of all the effects listed, "fierce resentment" tops the list because it is the final result of all the other things iterated. Anyone guilty of these misdeeds knows that the bottled up anger of those we loved was the most heartbreaking of all, and it was the one thing for which we could never make right. I would only add to that the "warped lives of blameless children" since resentment was something that children would only learn later.

God, what a cheerful passage!. But aren't we all aware of it? Doesn't it lurk in the back of out minds? When we glibly say that we "had to make amends to ourselves first," aren't we aware of just how much havoc we caused in the lives of those we touched? Is there any guilt stalking us?

A Tremendous Fact

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 17

That we have a "common solution" means that we cannot be all things to all people. To say that "my name is [name] and I'm an addict/alcoholic or alcoholic/addict) does not imply a "common" solution. But hat doesn't mean we should kick someone out who says that; only that we should not say it ourselves. Can we join in brotherly and harmonious action? Certainly. But we do so with those who have a desire to stop drinking.

We can absolutely agree on our course of action. It is the Twelve Steps of AA, and anyone willing to follow them with rigor is welcome to join us. In fact, I have a friend who is not an alcoholic, but she has a desire to stop drinking, has a sponsor and works the steps. She has a way out on which she is willing to join with us. This is the good news that this book carries. To borrow from Christianity, it as a kind of gospel. It is the "GOOD NEWS' that sets captives free.

This is probably the best description of all that follows. It is tremendous, it is a fact, and it carries great news.Can any paragraph carry more than that?

Also notice that Bill uses the term '"discovered" and not "devised."  We have uncovered a hidden source of strength that we didn't even know existed. The spiritual realm lies hidden to those who lack
 the humility to see it . But in the program, we develop he right thinking towards that realm that begins opening it to us. AA is a great fact indeed.

Not sure what I am doing.

All,

Some of you have been having problems posting comments.

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 Call me or Charlotte if you are still unsure. (I won't post my phone number or email address for obvious reasons.)

Steve